salutations, fall.

i posted a bunch of old pictures on facebook yesterday, in turn causing several people who no longer speak to each other to communicate via comments. this has yet to prove itself a good or bad thing, but no harm done yet so i’m prematurely marking it a success. besides, it was fun to briefly reminisce over 27 years of film thus far.

yesterday was the first official day of fall here in tennessee. the trees have yet to fully change which is a shame. (if there’s one good thing about the tennessee mountains, it’s the scenery. i am very much looking forward to a trek through them next week.) tho some leaves have fallen, my backyard remains mostly green. there is a large tree a few streets over that annually changes to the brightest gold imaginable. every year i vow to take a picture and every year, i’m too late. here’s hoping to this year. nature is too stunning not to be photographed.

speaking of fall, and thinking of my ‘saturn returning’ conversation with don, it’s around this time every year that i begin the process of re-evaluating… well, everything. exactly two months from tomorrow i will turn twenty-eight and it’s like something inside clicked within the past few weeks.

i’m an adult. my friends are doing adult things like getting married and birthing offspring. while that’s not a path i will likely choose for my life, i’ve changed to be okay with their decisions. on the home front, i have begun to take pride in what i own. i am making an effort and taking care of what i have been blessed with. i’ve started to feel a real need to better myself and this world i live in. i want to propel forward. i want to make new relationships and deepen the ones i have. this life is greater than just me.

i am embracing this cliche: life is short.

love. love. love.

time flies when you’re having fun.

today is one of those brilliant tennessee days that i adored in college. the sun is out but there’s a distinct mildness in the weather that gives its residents hope that fall is right around the corner!

today reminded me of how we used to walk from our dorm down to 21st avenue to drink coffee at fido and shop at pangaea. it reminded me of walking down belmont boulevard from the commons to class. it reminded me that graduation was almost six years ago.

my, where does the time go?

The return of Saturn.

Saturn comes back around / Lifts you up like a child / Or drags you down like a stone / To consume you ’til you / Choose to / Let this go…

Give away the stone / Let the ocean take and transmutate / This cold and fated anchor / Give away the stone / Let the waters kiss and transmutate / These leaden grudges into gold…

-Tool, The Grudge

My friend, Don, and I spoke today on Saturn Return. It’s said to be a rite of passage of sorts that occurs in a person’s life firstly around the ages 27-30. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is associated with time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, unwanted burdens and hard lessons.

My thought was raised to Don; I find myself making comparisons to grown adults who keep their heads down and do whatever job they need to do to get by; it appears they are completely content being married with children. Do they ever have introspective moments? Do they ever wonder ‘what if?’ Don responded that he wasn’t sure if this was just us or if it was the “new us.” I hear more and more twenty-somethings coming forward with like stories. Maybe all generations are equally stuck in their heads. Maybe our generation is just more vocal about it.

Don and I agreed: if we are aware of this happening and we strive to overcome it, it will yield more positive things such as structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, responsibility and order.

i have a beef with my boss. oh wait…

working for yourself is a lot harder than it sounds. when something goes awry, all fingers (thankfully, i only have ten) point to you.

i’ve always wanted to be my own boss. tho now, when asked, i can’t really pinpoint why. all i can come up with is the vague aspect of freedom and doing things how i want, when i want. i think somewhere along the way, i lost some of the real ambition to WORK. maybe that was before i actually had to in order to survive.

i got an alumni e-newsletter in my inbox today and took a moment to browse my alma mater’s website. i visited my favorite teachers’ websites and they made me smile. (my harmony v teacher always reminded me of a friendly garden gnome and really… what’s not to like about that?) i thought about all the things i missed about college. living so close to friends, being submersed in art at all times, the freedom (there’s that word again)… now i can truly understand the saying i heard so many times at graduation. “welcome to the REAL world!”

sidenote: why is it that when you’re in the middle of any difficulty, you look back on your life and wish back the days of yore? is the grass really greener on the other side of the campus?

profit and success. i know it’s possible because there really are people out there succeeding at jobs they love. i also know it’s possible to succeed at jobs you imagine, create, and single-handedly manage.

i’m reminded of a comic i saw at gapingvoid.com.

i identify a little too much with this character. on the upside, the fact that someone drew this means they did too. and there are others. it’s to be expected. after all, they say the first year is the hardest, right?

a couple of weeks will mark the beginning of year two and i readily greet it with the greatest anticipation.

the art of the boomerang.

i bought a book when i moved into my first post-collegiate apartment five years ago: spilling open, by sabrina ward harrison. the book is an amazing mish-mash of color, creativity, and thought provoking words. the back flap reads “sabrina ward harrison is now 23. she was born in berkeley, california where she spends a lot of time making art on the floor, exploring with her camera, having tea with ten year olds, and going to school. she is a sketch book writer, photographer, and teaches spilling of all sorts.” it made me love the book even more, especially since we were the same age.

i’d forgotten all about it until saturday when the world crashed on my shoulders. nothing terribly out of the ordinary happened, but i sometimes have these moments when reality becomes real. these are the moments when time tends to stand still and i take a moment to reassess and say “woah. what am i doing?!” these are sometimes hard to take. but necessary.

i remembered the book and after dusting it off, i happened to flip it open to page fifteen. weird that the picture had my name on it. weird that what i read made total sense to the situation.

the truth is we all ache. we all have growing pains and wonder if we are okay and enough & loved. the thing is – we are. really. without the silver shoes and leopard print sheets. we are enough without all the things we buy to make us much more than we are or need to be. we aree simple and complex and rare. as is.

so, the art of the boomerang. is it really true that what goes around comes around? i’m not talking karma so much as history repeating itself. this book was relevant when i was 23 and continues to be a good reminder when i’m on the cusp of 28.

i just reminded myself of a song by the propellerheads.

the word is about, theres something evolving,
whatever may come, the world keeps revolving.
they say the next big thing is here,
that the revolution’s near,
but to me it seems quite clear
that it’s all just a little bit of history repeating.

The newspapers shout a new style is growing,
but i don’t know if it’s coming or going,
there is fashion, there is fad
some is good, some is bad
and the joke rather sad,
that it’s all just a little bit of history repeating.

…and i’ve seen it before
…and i’ll see it again
…yes i’ve seen it before
…just little bits of history repeating.

well, it must be true if they wrote a song about it.